You know the feelings you have when your plans don’t work out the way you want them to? Disappointment, sadness, discontentment, confusion, etc. Multiply that times 5 and you might get an accurate picture of the last few months of my life.
In the last several months, most of my plans for my future have gone awry. I completed my teaching degree in December and over the following few months made the tough decision that I do not want to teach. My relationship of four years that included serious talks of marriage and a future together ended. And with that, my plans of moving in August were scrapped. So now I’m faced with several big changes. I have to find a big girl job (I don’t know what job I want), decide where I want to live (do I stay in my hometown or move away?), and readjust to the single life.
To say I’ve been under a little bit of stress would be an understatement. The pressure of having to make decisions has been affecting me deeply. However, I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying to keep the right mindset. At first, all of the uncertainty was incredibly daunting. But, instead of feeling overwhelmed, I’ve been trying to focus on feeling free.
I could choose to focus on how scary it is that I have no idea what direction my life is headed (and some days that is literally all I can focus on). Instead, I’ve been trying to focus on the fact that I have the freedom to do whatever I want to do. I can choose to go back to school, I can decide to find a job in a field other than teaching, I can move away to a different city or stay right where I’m at, and the best part is, I have the freedom to choose whatever is going to make me happy. It’s almost like a clean slate. Going back to the drawing board.
Every time I say out loud “I’m not sure what I want to do, I’m taking time to figure it out,” it gets a little bit easier to admit (even when I get the eye raise or a disapproving look). I’m accepting the fact that I’m only 23 and I don’t have to have it all figured out yet. I can’t say that I’m happy that I spent four and a half years pursuing a degree for a career that I no longer want and I can’t say I’m excited that my future plans have changed, but I am excited about the possibilities and opportunities that lie ahead of me. I know that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to and that I have the drive and the passion to excel in life. I know that I have plenty of time to decide what I want to do. In the mean time, I’m going to relax, stop being so hard on myself, and make the most out of every day. Eventually, I’ll figure it out and end up exactly where I’m supposed to be. For now, I’ve been trying to calm my anxiety about the future, focus on my passions, and enjoy life one day at a time.
As always, thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts and ramblings.