Sometimes it’s hard for me to write or to get the words out to express exactly what I’m trying to say. Sometimes it’s hard to be vulnerable on social media because for one thing I’m not an incredibly open person with my feelings – especially ones that are hard to talk admit or hard to admit – and for another thing, sharing with the world opens yourself up to criticism and I don’t always deal with that as healthily as I should. I don’t do it for attention or for praise. I share my blogs because I honestly love writing and my deepest desire is to help others who might be struggling with the same things as me. So I get a little vulnerable and open up a little more than usual in this post as I attempt to share my real self.
I’ve been single for nearly a year now. After a nearly four year relationship, it was definitely an adjustment. At first, I enjoyed some parts of it. No one to fight with, no one to worry about, doing what I want when I want. I told myself I was going to take the time to focus on myself, work on my own personal growth, do the things that I enjoy, learn more about myself, and love myself. And I have done those things. I have made incredible gains in the area of personal growth and especially in the areas of health and fitness. I’ve done lots of things that I enjoy. I’ve developed a new skill/side business doing a hobby I love (photography). I’ve traveled. I’ve developed deeper friendships. I love myself way more than I used to. And I’ve learned a lot about myself.
One of the biggest things that I’ve learned about myself is that I’m not very good at being alone. For awhile, I convinced myself I was. I preached to others about not being able to be truly happy in a relationship until you’re happy alone and I told them that I had finally come to a point where I was happy alone. But I think I was lying to myself. Because when I sit alone at night, I’m lonely. If I don’t have someone to text, I start feeling sad. I look at social media and see these cute couple posts and I want that. I feel like there’s something missing – and I don’t want to feel this way. Why is it so hard to be happy all by yourself?
Right after the breakup, I was focused on loving myself and on making myself happy. And I kept myself busy doing that for a few months. And then I started to hate being single. I missed the companionship- I missed having someone to sit quietly with and watch tv and just enjoy each other’s company. I missed the support- having someone to encourage you and being able to support them in return. I missed the little communications throughout the day- I love you texts, I miss you texts, how’s your day going texts, I’m thinking about you texts, etc. I missed having that person you can be completely comfortable with no matter what. There are so many little things that I miss. And don’t get me wrong, I’m very blessed with loving and supporting friends and family. But I missed being in a relationship.
I understand that it’s normal to be lonely sometimes. But I want to be able to sit quietly all by myself and just be happy by myself. I firmly believe that you cannot rely on another person for your own happiness. You can’t depend on someone else to make you happy. You have to be able to be happy all by yourself before you can be truly happy in a relationship. A relationship should add something to an already full life – not fill a hole where I feeling something is missing. I firmly believe that- but I don’t do a great job of following that in my own life.
Loneliness has driven me to chase relationships that I know are not meant for me. To hold on to guys that I know are not the right person for me. Being a young single female can be exhausting – Tinder sucks lol. (If you ever need a laugh, let me tell you about some of the bad dates I’ve been on.) It’s hard to find someone who is looking for the same things as me. But I’ve realized two things. 1) I need to stop looking so hard. I think the right person will come along at the right time. I need to live my life for me – work towards my goals, love myself, do the things I love – and realize that eventually I will meet someone who I can have those wonderful relationship things with again. Hello?! I’m 23. I have plenty of time. And 2) it’s worth waiting for the person who is looking for the same things. I’ve met a couple people who I really liked & who I really wanted to pursue a relationship with- except those people either wanted different things, they had a different view of how a relationship should be, or they weren’t in a place where they could give me what I want. Trying to force things with someone who isn’t the right person only leads to inevitable heartbreak every time. I’m learning to let go of people who are not meant for me without harboring negative feelings towards them. And I’m learning to not settle for less than what’s going to make me happy in the long run just to alleviate the short term loneliness.
I think it’s important to know what you want in a relationship. I want a partner, someone who is going to fight for me, someone who can be honest with me, someone who cares about me and takes my feelings into account, someone who is driven and has high personal expectations for themselves, someone who gets along with my family, someone I can laugh with and someone I can cry with. It’s important to realize that I deserve these things – and I’m not expecting too much just because some people can’t offer all of those things. Eventually I will find the person who can do all these things for me and until then, I can’t allow myself to settle for less than what I want.
It’s easy to get caught up and feel rushed to find the perfect person, the perfect job, the perfect house, etc but I’m trying to slow down and enjoy every season of my life. I know I say this a lot in my writing but I constantly have to remind myself that I’m only 23. I have plenty of time to figure shit out. For now, I’m working on enjoying silence and enjoying my own company. I’m working on being patient and being happy all by myself without relying on anyone else. I’m working on calling myself on my BS and forcing myself to live out the things I believe.
Obviously I still miss being in a relationship and I’m looking forward to eventually finding the person who checks all my boxes and who I can build a life with. But I’m no longer going to allow myself to be so desperate to find that person that I settle for the wrong ones. I envy people who are perfectly content on their own, but I’m working towards being one of those people myself. And I’m keeping one of my biggest beliefs at the forefront of my mind, that you have to truly love yourself before you can honestly be happy with anyone else.
As always, thanks for reading my thoughts and ramblings. I appreciate every like, comment, and especially shares as I try to reach more readers and grow my blog. Your support means more to me than you realize.