Have you ever said something and then immediately wished it hadn’t come out of your mouth? The words sort of hang in the air and you look around and wonder just how many people heard this thing you said that is making you cringe internally.
A few days ago I was out at a bar with a friends and I said something mean about a girl that I know who walked by on the street. I made a couple of mean comments. I’m not proud about it. Actually, as soon as the words left my lips I felt awful and wished that I could take them back. I was with a group of people I didn’t know very well and I guess I was trying to be funny and relatable and make them like me. By making fun of someone else. Like I said, I’m not proud. I have lost count of how many times since that night that I have thought about it and felt absolutely horrible for these mean comments that I made. To clarify, this girl has no idea that I said anything about it. I didn’t say it to her. But I was nasty all the same.
In the last few months, I have a whole list of things I’ve done that haven’t made me proud. I have been watching too much Netflix and not spending enough time being productive. I have constantly been behind on cleaning my apartment. I’ve been skating by at my job and not giving it 100% like I know I can. I’ve been extremely lax about my nutrition and I’ve gained about 5 lbs since I finally hit my goal of 30 lbs lost. I have been drinking too much, too often. I haven’t been placing enough importance on my family and I’ve made a few selfish choices when it comes to my friends that I wish I could take back. I’ve been placing too much importance on social media and on searching for validation from other people on the internet. I’ve spent too much time gossiping and being hateful and judgmental when I know I should just love people. I’ve been basing my self-worth on opinion’s from men and I’ve made choices I wish I could take back. I have not been focusing on being someone that I can be proud of or focusing on working towards my goals.
Don’t get me wrong – I haven’t become a fat, lazy slob who only cares about herself and how many likes she gets on her insta pic and who sucks at her job and just watches Netflix all day while wishing she had a man to make her feel good about herself. I haven’t totally lost sight of myself. And I’m not trying to throw myself a pity party – I don’t need anyone to tell me that people make mistakes and that I’m doing better than I think I am – thank you, I appreciate it, but I know. I know that I’m too hard on myself. And I know that I am not doing all that bad. But I also know that I can do a whole hell of a lot better, and I owe it to myself to be the best version of myself. Instead of beating myself up about it, I’m giving myself grace. I’m not dwelling on the mistakes that I’ve made. I’m calling myself on my bullshit and putting my foot down. No more.
When I sit and reflect on the person that I am, I want to feel good about myself. I want to be someone I can be proud of. I want to be someone who is compassionate. The person who smiles instead of the person who smiles back. The person who says hi and compliments your outfit. The person who builds other people up. The person who has a positive outlook and encourages others to see the good in their life. The person who knows that my self-worth does not come from the opinion of strangers on the internet or from men. The person who is a role model for people wanting to make fitness and nutrition a lifestyle. The person who makes my family and friends feel loved and supported and cherished. The person who is strong in her convictions and doesn’t let the desire to be liked sway her to do things she isn’t proud of. The person who works toward her goals and who doesn’t let anyone tell her no, including herself. I want to be someone who is confident, loving, open, strong, and beautiful in ways that don’t include outer appearance.
Have I been this person the past couple months? Sometimes, yes. But not as much as I could have been. I know that I can do better and I owe it to myself and to the world to be the best version of myself I can be. Am I going to make mistakes? Duh. No one is perfect. But can I try harder to be the person I can be proud of? You bet your ass I can and I’m going to.
When you lay in bed at night, think about your actions throughout the day. Are you proud of them? Were you the best version of yourself? Did you try to be someone that YOU liked today? If you didn’t, how can you do better tomorrow? What can you change so you can feel good about yourself? These are the things that I’ve been reflecting on.
I’ve considered apologizing to this girl who has no idea that I even said anything mean to her. That’s how badly I feel. But she doesn’t know what mean comments were made and it wouldn’t do any good to tell her just so I feel better. Instead, I am recognizing that those comments came from my own insecurities. I can do better. Instead of asking her for forgiveness, I am giving myself grace and forgiving myself. I am also remembering how horrible I feel so that next time, I know the price of being mean for entertainment and I’ll keep my mouth shut.
I encourage you to sit down and write a list of qualities you want to have. Reflect on the person that you want to be. And then ask yourself, “have I been this person lately?” If not, give yourself grace. No one is perfect. But also know that you can do better, and if you want to truly love yourself, it starts by being someone that you can love. Yes, you can make mistakes and yes, you will have your faults, but the beauty is in calling yourself on your mistakes, forgiving yourself, and striving to be better tomorrow.
Thanks for reading. If you liked this post, you might also like my last post where I talk about the most important things I’ve learned in 24 years on Earth. It’s linked here.